Five Miles Out

Brain and body melting

Sometimes you have to wait forever for something that you want. Forever is an elastic term though – at the age of 16 waiting a year for the next album by your favourite group can seem like forever, in your thirties waiting five years may seem reasonable (as long as they make a good album).

Warrior was a British comic magazine published in the first half of the 1980s which had several strips by the awesome Alan Moore. The two regular ones were V for Vendetta and Marvelman (the latter will be the subject of another post). Due to various issues Alan Moore stopped writing for Warrior and both strips went on hiatus. V for Vendetta was eventually picked up by DC comic after three long years.

Set in the late 90s after a nuclear war that happened in the 1980s Britain was now a fascist regime under ~~the Tory Party~~, I mean Norsefire. V is an anarchist intent on overthrowing that regime. Fans speculated that he was actually Marvelman, 15 years after the stories in his own strip. Who V was totally missed the point, it was about anarchy. Now it has to viewed through that 80s prism but it is s tilla compelling story It was turned into a film that Moore hated (Moore’s deal had been that copyright would revert to him when the strip had been out of print for a year, which then would usually have been quickly but DC have kept it in print, outside the spirit of the agreement).

Now famous for popularising the V mask used by protesters the world over, better known to the British as the Guy Fawkes mask.

Unlike V we never got to see all (or even most) of Alan Moore’s Big Numbers. A non-superhero story set in Northampton it was self-published after his falling out with the major comic companies. Beautifully illustrated by Bill Sienkiewicz, only two issues were released, though work was done on the third. There appears to be no chance of this being finished, Moore is no longer interested. It was a non-superhero work set in Northampton from Moore’s own publishing company.

Lovejoy was originally a book series that the BBC adapted in 1988. Set in beautiful East Anglia it did tone down some of the rougher edges of the novels but was excellent. Ian McShane got work on Dallas and it looked like there would be no more episodes, but five years later it came back. Noticeably different in tone, it was far less tense and much more mystery of the week (why do TV producers want to turn everything into mystery of the week?), like it was going for a rural Minder vibe. The wait was not worth it.

At the moment the wait for the next book of A Song of Fire and Ice (Game of Thrones for the less well informed – though that is just the title of the first novel) is the worst. So far there have been five novels and the waits between books have been 3, 1, 5 and then 6 years. It has now been 9 years since A Dance With Dragons and The Winds of Winter does not have a firm release date. The books are far more complex than the TV series (and the fall off in quality on TV when the books ran out showed badly) so it seems to get harder and harder to keep all the storylines coherent. Martin is now in his 70s and not in the best of physical condition. I really want to read the whole thing.

I love Guns ‘n’ Roses. After Use Your Illusion they did a covers album and it went dark. For years Chinese Democracy was promised as the next release as every member of the group apart from Axl left or were fired (and when Chinese Democracy arrived in 2008 it was not worth waiting for). Fortunately in 2004 Velvet Revolver released Contraband. A line up that included three ex-Gunners – Slash, Duff McKagan and Matt Sorum, along with two others produced what was really the next instalment of the Guns ‘n’ Roses story. Scott Weilland is not in Axl’s class as a vocalist but it was the best we got in 2004 and it was just about worth the wait.

I hate unresolved stories and careers – I know I am a bit OCD about it, but I will wait.

Sucker Train Blues

Would you still remember me

In the days before the internet when friends moved schools that was usually it – you never heard from them again. I made an effort and visited Royston after I moved away and some of the people visited me (plus we were prolific letter writers) but there were plenty of people I never saw again.

Even now with the internet it can be hard to find people – many women have change their names on marriage, some names are too common to make searching worthwhile, or there are people who do not maintain an online presence. I was best friends with Matthew Anderson at primary school. He had a brother the same age as Mike and our Mum’s were friends, which made what would now be called playdates easy. Gone. James Auty was a good friend in my second year at middle school. Gone and no idea whatever happened to him. I already talked about Felicity Lynch (https://fivemilesout.home.blog/2020/09/22/theres-anger-in-my-heart/ ).

Some Facebook has allowed us to get in contact with again. I am really glad that Paul Ashby, Alan Curtis and Steve Mallen are there and we can see what is going on in our lives after all these years.

In Brightlingsea, despite still having close links to the place, I have no idea what happened to Graham Urwin, a charismatic figure in our early days of sixth form who dropped out. Of our small group who hung out I have never heard from Andy Bradbury or Tristan Hughes after a last night farewell in Brightlingsea in September 1984. I have a vague second hand knowledge of what Michaela Briggs (https://fivemilesout.home.blog/2020/09/12/oh-oh-oh-memories-of-yesterday/ ) and Mandy Peck are doing but no contact at all. I have seen Neil’s twin, Richard, less and less but get news of him via Neil. Yet for two years this small group of us spent every school day together.

On the other hand many people would probably find it remarkable that I am in such close contact with Dave, Neil and John after 36 years. In fact some people have said that it is pretty sad and since the first lockdown started we have played bridge online once or twice a week, staying up to date with our lives – though sadly, as we get older, more and more of it is medically related.

Of all the people I worked with at Grant Thornton I am in contact with none, despite joining GT’s alumni association. Carla Lyne and I corresponded with each other after I moved to London, as I did with Tracy Collett after she went touring the world, but that was a long time ago. I caught up with Marcia Lucas on Friends Reunited when it was big, again the loss of the site meant that contact has been lost again.

There are lots of people from GT that I would love to track down. I think David Horsnell is running a luxury car storage centre (right name and he loved high quality cars, though his driving of them could be hair raising – I hope it is as his brother died young and he did not expect to live to be old). Apart from that I know nothing about Jan Hannaford, Sandy Button, Nicky West, Melvin Childs, Sarah Ellis, Lesley Dutton, Dawn Smith, or anyone else, which is a real shame. It was complicated by the fact that several people left GT at short notice (including me) which pre internet meant it was hard to stay in touch.

Schools should do work to maintain alumni associations. In this day and age with e-mail it would be relatively easy. The payback would be the links to industry it would give them and outside speakers who can come in and give talks and workshops on different industries. Private schools ruthlessly exploit these networks and the state sector misses out.

In life there are people that can be really important to you and it is too easy to lose contact and then it can be too late. Take that chance and catch up with them.

I like southern rock, that muddy sound typified by the Allmann Brothers and Lynyrd Skynyrd. This track was rereleased in the early 80s and a DJ said it was as good as Stairway to Heaven. It isn’t as good as that but it is a powerful piece of music, they are also famous for the unofficial anthem of Alabama – Sweet Home Alabama.

In 1977 Lynyrd Skynyrd were on a flight between gigs but the plane ran out of fuel and crashed. Ronnie Vant Zant, Steve Gaines and Cassie Gaines all died, the others were seriously injured. The band split up, though it reformed with Ronnie’s younger brother taking the lead role in 1987. Never part from anyone on bad terms that you care about – it could be the last time.

Freebird

You know its righteous stuff

It should have been The Ace of Spades when I first saw Motorhead on TV but somehow I missed it and the first song I saw them do (on Top of the Pops) was Please Don’t Touch in collaboration with Girlschool.

(Motorhead and Girlschool in 1981)

(Girlschool were unlucky for me – I crashed my first car three times, one major crash and two minor prangs, and twice Girlschool’s Race With the Devil was on the stereo. I never listened to that track while driving again).

Motorhead fused punk and heavy metal in a really loud noise, the earliest of thrash metal. I could not believe that this music was not just charting but making the top 10 in 1981. When they released a live version of their eponymous track, Motorhead (live) I knew I wanted the whole album.

(I didn’t realise at the time that this was actually a cover version, despite it being written by Lemmy. Hawkwind recorded it while Lemmy was in the band – it is a very different sound).

I’m not a big fan of live albums but Motorhead really nail it with No Sleep ‘Til Hammersmith. Maybe it is because their songs are so simple they are easy to reproduce live. My grandparents took me to Cambridge and bought me my very first album. They suffered for it as I kept playing it on their small record player, they were a similar age to me now but this was not the music of their youth in any way, shape or form. They did not complain, I am not sure how they managed to cope with this album.

This was the last album with the classic line up. Guitarist Fast Eddy Clarke quit the band to form Fastway. It eventually took two guitarists to duplicate his sound, but their next album just had Brian Robertson, ex Thin Lizzy, and is their best album – Another Perfect Day.

Age did not wither Lemmy – the band continued to tour and record, even after being dropped by their record company.

Motorhead continued until Lemmy passed away at the age of 70 in 2015. How it made it that long with his prodigious intake of alcohol and other less legal drugs that made Keith Richards look like a dabbler is anyone’s guess. Of the ten men who played in the band half of already gone – all the classic line up (Fast Eddy and Philthy “Animal” Taylor as well as Larry Wallis and Wurzel).

Motorhead are not for everyone but they were hugely influential and the epitomy of the rock and roll lifestyle. This is the definitive track.

Motorhead (Live)

Playlist

Iron Horse/ Born to Lose
Overkill
Stay Clean
Capricorn
No Class
Metropolis
Bomber
Ace of Spades
(We Are) The Road Crew
Please Don’t Touch
Motorhead (live)
Iron Fist
Back at the Funny Farm
Dancing On Your Grave
Another Perfect Day
Die You Bastard

Time for…..

It was not the first time that we went punting but it was the funniest. Neil, Dave and I had tried punting one afternoon the previous year and Neil had fallen in when the punt pole got stuck and we had found that the mud at the bottom of the Cam smelt disgusting.

June 1991 and six of us went. Dave, Andy, Neil, Rose, Helen and me. Dave took us out of Scudamore’s boat house by Silver Street Bridge – he was the best punter but he also wanted to impress Rose as he really liked her (most people like to punt down “the Backs” of the colleges – it is shallow and flat, we had done that and we were off to Grantchester).

(Dave punts – Rose puts bread on the rim of Helen’s hat, rather than feeding the ducks)

We took turns punting and, even though I say so myself, I was second best – though I had had more practice.

(Neil’s technique)

We had lunch at The Green Man in Grantchester, walking past Jeffrey Archer’s house of the way (chanting Monica as we went past – the prostitute he had perjured himself about a few years earlier).

After lunch we got into a water fight with a canoe and chased them until we got to a weir, they got out and carried their canoe away over ground. Neil decided he wanted to go to the toilet so we moored and he got out; then we left him behind. So he ended up in the water even though he did not fall in.

(Neil wades back to the punt and cuts his foot en route).

Rose was a real sport and had a go. She made the normal mistake of holding on to the pole when it got stuck and went into the water. Somehow she managed to make it more elegant that anyone else.

(Rose in the water)

Andy took over punting and messed about – Andy always was funny. He deliberately and elegantly backflipped into the water. He swam back to the punt, complaining that the cabbages on the bottom were grabbing him. We moored up so he could change into his dry clothes.

(Andy rejoins the punt for the first time)

Andy changed and there were now no more dry clothes. When he came to reboard the punt it showed that the mooring was not secure. As his hand held on to the side his feet stayed on the bank and the punt moved away in slow motion. We tried to pull the punt back in but it did not work and he was in the water, soaked again.

Dave punted us back as fast as he could and we drove home. All Andy had to wear was a towel and a baseball cap for the journey home. I took a different route to Dave as I only had to drop Neil. Dave dropped Rose in Wivenhoe and that is how Andy met Rose’s parents – with a baseball cap covering his modesty.

Guru Josh has had success with this more than once – a classic early nineties dance track.

Infinity

Rendez-Vous

Parties, I don’t really like parties anymore. Not being able to drink alcohol is part of that, but it is just such hard work to interact with people with the requisite loud music and in the semi darkness. My lack of dancing ability probably did not help either.

Graham used to have good parties in Royston. His parents would be upstairs and we would play good music and talk. The music was wide ranging – AC/DC, ELO, New Order, Mike Oldfield, Peter Schilling, New Musik, Jean-Michel Jarre. The only incident at a party I was at (and not living in Royston I am sure there were many I missed) was the glass fishpond cover being broken when someone walked on it – I think it was John Bonney, but I may be committing slander. Graham’s parents were very understanding.

Mike was 16 less than 2 weeks after I left for university. Anne and Dad were more trusting and left the house to go out for dinner while the party ran. After dinner they were driving through Brightlingsea and saw a scene from some middle ages bacchanal where their beautiful house was. Their plans changed and they went in to find total chaos. Our kitchen has a step down from the rooms either side and there was a water level in it, or rather an alcohol level. In the garden there were couples indulging in carnal activities and the drinks cabinet was empty.

(I may well have to correct or add to this as I was not there),

Meanwhile at university on almost the same night all the first years at St Catherine’s had an impromptu corridor party in the Gostlin building. St Catherine’s Junior Common Room was a pretty run down place, with a tiny bar (it got relocated to a new building in our final year but it wasn’t the same). After it closed we all moved up to the corridor (where I was offered weed for the first time).

(Gostlin now)

When it came to Alison’s 18^th birthday in 1987 Anne and Dad hired Brightlingsea Football Club for a joint party with her friend Katie. It took until 1991 for them to have a party in the house again, even then they were there. Fran’s 18^th was in January and my friends and I were banned from attending for being too old and too dull (at the age of 25). We went down to the pub as usual and came back at throwing out time. The party was still in full swing and I was horrified to see that my CD collection had been raided for music and some CDs were being used as coasters.

Apart from that the party went well and my friends stayed until it broke up at around 2pm.

My 25^th birthday party was covered in https://fivemilesout.home.blog/2020/06/21/then-you-know-i-cant-remember-a-damn-thing/ and after that parties were really a thing of the past Birthdays are celebrated with meals out or nights out, rather than staying in.

Jean-Michel Jarre is kind of forgotten with his electronic music – though his spectacular concerts are more well known, but we listened to Oxygene and Equinoxe a lot in the 80s (maybe the lack of lyrics, made them a good background to gaming).

Equinoxe 5

Let’s All Meet Up in the Year 2000

Doctor Who fans have always been more like than most fans. How else can you account for the fact that the reason that we have audio recordings of missing episodes from the 1960s when fans recorded them on tape recorders?

Target books released novelisations of all but 5 TV stories (copyright issues relating to Terry Nation and Douglas Adams), but these ran out after the program went off air in 1989. I am not saying they were all classics – fandom seems to love Terrance Dicks, but after his first dozen or so books that he did the quality declined a lot. The best novelisations were the first 25 or so, the ones novelised by the TV writer and the ones towards the end. The most important of the later ones is Remembrance of the Daleks, where Ben Aaronovitch makes a real novel out of it that gives a glimpse of a coherent future for the Whoniverse and introduces the character of Kadiatu Lethbridge-Stewart.

Target had become Virgin books and the editor, Peter Darvill- Evans, tried The New Adventures, “too broad and deep for the small screen”. Now there are some fans who think that you can’t have Doctor Who without actors but I am not one of them – a book has far more scope for story and more options as it has an unlimited budget.

The first four were a quadrilogy called The Timewyrm with three established authors and newcomer Paul Cornell. Cornell’s is the best by a mile – set mostly in the Doctor’s mind with his previous incarnations kept in there. Not Cornell’s best book but a good debut.

This was followed by a looser thematic trilogy. The first was Time’s Crucible set in a world where time is frozen but it physically moves. It hints back to the events of the Old Time on Gallifrey and why there are no children (this was controversial and opponents say it is because fans want the Doctor sexless – I thought that it would be odd for an alien race as powerful as the Time Lords were exactly like humans).

Cornell’s second novel – Love and War – introduced Benny Summerfield as a companion (any resemblance that River Song has to her is purely coincidental). She has proved so popular that her own stories continue to this day. The Seventh Doctor is shown to be getting more and more manipulative as he uses Ace’s boyfriend to destroy the Hoothi at the cost of his own life. Ace’s leaves the TARDIS.

Ace left, but returned three years older after fighting in the Dalek Wars of the 26^th Century. Another arc had an alternative universe created where the Doctor died (and was unable to regenerate in The Silurians). In Blood Heat the Doctor, Benny and Ace lose The TARDIS in some tar pits and Ace has to get the alternate universe TARDIS – in a memorable scene she is desperately trying to get there as the Silurians turn up the power of the ultraviolet radiation on her. At the end the Doctor destroys the alternate reality, leading to more anger from his companions. The arc also features the first novel from the talented Kate Orman and Conundrum from Steve Lyons.

The arc ends with my favourite Cornell novel (and of course it his least favourite of his own work – everyone loves Human Nature that I thought was so-so and obviously was the one adapted for TV). No Future is set in 1976 and you can use it to understand UNIT dating issues as The Monk is playing with time.

The range introduced many great writers like Kate Orman, Lawrence Miles, Simon Bucher-Jones and Lance Parkin Parkin’s purely historical novel Just War is another highlight, though the use of Nazis in the ongoing books would become pretty hackneyed Parkin’s remains the gold standard. No aliens, no monsters – it is a pure hsitorical.

Ben Aaronovitch contributes two and a bit novels. Transit – controversial at the time as the Doctor hears love making and it is more complex than many people like but a wonderful book. The Also People is supposedly like The Culture of Ian Banks – I have never read Banks’ work so I can’t comment. Set on a civilization in a Dyson Sphere (look it up on Wikipedia if you don’t know what Freeman Dyson postulated or read Bob Shaw’s novel Orbitsville). The People rival the Time Lords as the most powerful civilization in the universe. In the Benny novel Walking to Babylon Kate Orman, in a few pages, convincingly portrays a Time War a million times better than Stephen Moffatt or Russell T Davies did on television – time active powers do not throw bombs at each other, they would change the past to win a war. Benny and Ace have gone as companions and the Doctor now has Roz Forrester and Chris Cwej with him – two adjudicators (read Judges with the serial numbers filed off so 2000AD do not sue) from the thirtieth century.

Aaronovitch lost most of So Vile a Sin (especially bad as it was the last book in a long arc) in a computer crash and Kate Orman finished it, though it had to be published out of order as the last book. It actually rounds off the New Adventures future history and leaves a lonely seventh Doctor just travelling with Chris Cwej and Roz’s fate left tears in my eyes. The Room With No Doors shows the aftermath of the cataclysmic events of SVAS and refers to the place Doctors go once their lives are over. We also meet the woman who could be the Doctor’s mother, or maybe the Other’s mother – the Other being a figure from Ancient Gallifrey who founded Time Lord civilization with Rassilon and Omega, it is strongly implied that the Doctor is his reincarnation.

In the final story the Doctor returns to his home on Gallifrey and the truth about the Cartmel masterplan is sort of revealed. It is a better resolution than the Doctor being God which was an earlier planned denouement.

There is one eighth Doctor novel – the Champion of Life rather than the Champion of Time (being a complete bastard) by Lance Parkin and then Virgin’s licence is gone.

The range was not perfect – there are quite a few to avoid – anything by Chris Bulis or Daniel Blythe. Neil Penswick’’s The Pit is almost unreadable but very influential. David McIntee’s books never inspired me, though loved by many. These are good books and deserve to be promoted to people as such, they are not the usual tie in TV books that are poor quality and inessential.

Ben Aaronovitch now writes the Rivers of London novel series and Andrew Cartmel the Vinyl Detective series. Both are excellent.

Maybe it is because I discovered them in that insanely optimistic period as the country awaited a Blair government but had not yet seen what it was like (or even worse become) and the UK thought that things were going to be better. When bands like this were big.

Pulp’s A Different Class is a good album, but Jarvis Cocker forever earns our thanks for mooning Michael Jackson as he performed Earth Song at the Brits with children adoring him, despite the already rife accusations of paedophilia.

This is not as well remembered as Common People or as subversive as Sorted for E’s and Wizz, but it is my favourite. With a distinct tip of the hat to Laura Brannigan’s Gloria.

Disco 2000

Another Runner in the Night

Who is the second greatest sportsman ever?

It’s a tough question. The greatest is an easy question and the answer is not Mohammed Ali. Ali’s main claim to being the greatest is that he kept saying he was and that Michael Parkinson repeated it for a long time.. Ali won an Olympic gold medal and was the first man to win the world heavyweight boxing championship three times (when there was only one belt per weight division) as well as refusing to serve in Vietnam. Now I like boxing, I watch big bouts like AJ or Fury winning their world titles, but I am not an expert. However, everyone who counts in boxing do not even rate Ali the greatest heavyweight, let alone the greatest boxer. Sugar Ray Robinson is rated the greatest boxer ever and the greatest heavyweight has many contenders – a young Mike Tyson was an unstoppable force of nature and Jack Johnson, the first black heavyweight champion, had to fight a lot more than his ring opponents (his life is chronicled in Unbearable Blackness which is well worth reading).

Statistically there is undeniably only one greatest. Don Bradman. In test cricket an average of over 40 marks you out as deserving to play internationals. The value of runs varies across eras to a degree as laws change (going up when bouncers were limited to one an over and then down when video reviews were introduced). Even so less than 20 men have an average of over 50 in test matches and only seven over 60 (two of whom are currently still playing and I predict will end lower than that) and one who only played twenty matches. Six of the seven averaged between 60 and 65, Don Bradman averaged just under 100 (if he had not had tears in his eyes in his last match from being clapped to the wicket and scored 4 runs rather than a duck he would have averaged 100). Statistically on a bell curve this is so far ahead of anyone else it is crazy. An international football striker would need to average around 2.5 goals a game to be on the same level as him.

(Don Bradman and Stan McCabe 1938)

Two funny Bradman stories from when he was an old man. In the 1990s England were awful, truly terrible. As a guest commentator Bradman was asked how much he would average against the England attack. Bradman answered 60, maybe 70. The commentator was shocked and asked if England were not as bad as everyone though as he had done so well against great bowlers. Not at all said Sir Don, but I am in my 70s…..

The second was after a day when one of the greatest test bowling attacks of all time, The West Indies, an attack featuring Ambrose, Walsh, Marshall (the greatest pace bowler ever in my opinion) and the ferociously fast Pat Patterson. It was on a fast pitch at Perth and Australia were down to their last pair, one of which was the not very good batsman Merv Hughes. Despite this Hughes and Dean Jones held on with Hughes making an undefeated 72. After the day ended the 80 year old Sir Don went to meet the West Indies team who all shook his hand, except Patterson. Patterson looked him up and down, then stood up (towering over the Don) and said that he would was not impressed and would have got him out, even killed him (Patterson was a volatile man, who disappeared not long afterwards and was not found for over 25 years). Sir Don’s answer? “You couldn’t even get Merv Hughes out. You’d have no chance against me, mate!”

So who is second?

At one stage I though Tiger Woods might make it. Before his fall he was on track to pass Jack Nicklaus as the best golfer ever. However, life without blonde Hooters employees seems to ruin his game.

Based on standard deviations Pele and Ty Cobb follow Bradman, then Nicklaus and Michael Jordan. Would you say Pele is better than Messi or Ronaldo (the oily one not the chubby one)?

(Pele)

John Eales of the Australian Rugby Union team was called Nobody, because Nobody’s Perfect. I’m not sure he was much better than Dan Carter or Richie McCaw though. You might even say that Victor Matfield and Martin Johnson were as good as him at lock forward.

What about Tom Brady? Apart from the fact that Brady plays well in a system and is not even the best quarterback of his generation (which includes Peyton Manning and Drew Brees) he failed twice against New York Giants’ teams that he should have murdered. Or Joe Namath? More like Ali than Bradman. I would make the case that the best gridiron players were Jerry Rice or Ronnie Lott, but that is my 49er bias.

(Ronnie Lott)

None of their records stands out in relation to their peers.

Maria Folau amazed me leading the silver ferns to a netball world cup against teams that should have beaten the them, but she was not that much better than the others.

There are many amazing tennis players – Williams, Navratilova, Evert, Graf Federer, Nadal and Court.

What about Daley Thompson, Carl Lewis, Seb Coe, Mark Spitz, Kelly Holmes, Denise Lewis, or Mo Farah? All great but I think the answer is an Olympian, but a man who won just two gold medals. That was because of timing and the US boycott of the 1980 Olympics.

So my choice is this man.

He set 4 world records and won 122 races in a row – over 9 years, 9 months and 9 days. Two gold medals in 1976 and 1984 – undoubtedly would have had another in 1980 without the boycott. For me Ed Moses is the second greatest sportsman of all time. A man who dominated the hurdles for nearly 10 years – no one in athletics has done that – not even Usain Bolt.

Mannfred Mann released a lot of wonderful songs in the 60s. This was the 1970s and is one of those relatively rare cover versions that is better than the original. Even rarer when the original is by Bruce Springsteen.

Blinded by the Light

On an island

This is the kind of group that shows my age (like The Mood https://fivemilesout.home.blog/2020/06/14/we-almost-made-it/ ). New Musik only produced two proper albums and were very much an example of that synth pop era. Their most famous song (or at least most commercially successful) was Living By Numbers. The favourite song from the group for us in Royston was World of Water, which was incredibly hard to track down. One thing about being an adult is being able to afford to get all these forgotten songs of youth.

When I was about seven my parents persuaded me to borrow Swallows and Amazons from the library. Written in another era (the 1930s, but not the kind of Famous Five levels of “lashings of ginger beer” prose from Enid Blyton) it is the first in a series written by Arthur Ransome.

It is set on a fictional lake in The Lake District – the shape of Coniston, but with features of Windemere, Ullswater and other lakes. The titular Swallows are on holiday at a farm there and come from a navy family so take a dinghy and camp on the island for the holiday. The sexism is not as bad it could have been in this era, Susan does do most of the domestic work but Titty (renamed Tilly in the recent film for obvious reasons) is very adventurous. The story covers their encounters with the Blackett sisters (Peggy and Nancy, real name Ruth but pirates are ruthless) the titular Amazons and their runs ins with the Blackett’s uncle.

There was a recent film made of the book that souped up the adventure quotient by adding a spy story – a shame as the story really does not need it.

There are a succession of sequels. In the lake district there is Swallowdale (the boat Swallow sinks and the Blacketts are under the thumb of their Great Aunt). Winter Holiday that introduces the Dees, Dick and Dorothea. Pigeon Post that has them mining in the High Hills and The Picts and the Martyrs with the return of the Great Aunt.

My favourites are not these. Two are set on the Norfolk Broads and one near Harwich. Coot Club features the Dees, but a host of young characters from Norfolk and focuses on looking after a rare bird that is nesting on the broads. The Big Six is a detective story set on the Broads, where the “Death and Glories” are falsely accused of crimes. It is all very genteel, but much more working class than other novels in the series.

My absolute favourite is Secret Water. Based on the area that is the Hamford Water Nature Reserve between Walton and Dovercourt. It is just a story about children exploring in boats, but immense fun. Somehow I lived in Essex for so many years and never went there.

They are a fictionalised version of a world that is long gone, but they are a perfect read for children and for adults. I would love to see a TV company commit to film the 12 books as twelve six episode seasons. Trouble is that the books only cover a span of 4 or 5 years, which would be difficult to do with young actors. Even if Missee Lee (set in China and very difficult to film without massive changes) and Peter Duck (a fiction within the fiction) were abandoned it would still be difficult. Perhaps with some shooting going on in parallel it would be possible – The Broads pair only have the Dees; the Swallows, who are in the most books are not in The Picts and the Martyrs, so with some clever planning maybe it could be done – maybe expanded to a seven year schedule.

I can only hope. In real life I hate sailing despite Dad having been Commodore of Brightlingsea Sailing Club for multiple terms.

Swallows and Amazons forever

World of Water

I’ll hear you when you’re calling

Asia were a supergroup formed in the early 1980s. There was Carl Palmer of Emerson, Lake & Palmer (https://fivemilesout.home.blog/2020/05/06/the-hut-of-baba-yaga/ ), Geoff Downes of the Buggles (coming later) and Yes, Steve Howe of Yes (https://fivemilesout.home.blog/2020/07/08/it-is-no-lie-i-see-deeply-into-the-future/ ) and John Wetton of King Crimson. Supergroups had been a feature of the late 60s and early to mid-70s but were very unfashionable in 1981. All of their albums started with an A and ended with an A – Asia, Alpha, Astra, Aqua, Aria and Aura. Albums in the 21^st century broke the pattern but they are not when they were successful.

In the USA they were huge – their brand of soft rock chiming with groups like Foreigner, Boston and Journey (and which Yes emulated on their album 90210. There were many line-up changes as various band members disliked each other and members went back to their original groups but Palmer and Downes are still in the band though John Wetton sadly passed away in 2017.

When I first heard them I managed to get a couple of their singles from the bargain bins at Boots in Colchester and I extolled their virtues on a sixth form trip to Sizewell. This was a coach trip out from school in the upper sixth where we totally cheated on the worksheet we had to do. Several of us had the same answers, yet I won the prize for best score – how that happened I do not know – maybe Mr Hellen assumed the others had copied me, which was not true.

On the way home Dave Francis gave us a lesson in aerodynamics, designing planes that would fly from the back of the bus all the way down to the front. This was not the only time that being on buses led to some bad behaviour.

Holidaying in Kos in 1991 the only organised trip we went on was a Greek night in the mountains – the rep told us what an amazing sunset we would see. This may have been a miscalculation on their part as Thomson was a family holiday company. We had been attracted by the promise of free unlimited wine. Despite that when the coach dropped us we stopped for a lager aperitif. Dave also ate a whole bar of nougat in one go.

(John, Neil, Andy & me)

The wine came in jugs that were refilled from barrels – that says something about the quality.

(Andy and I refill red and white)

(Dave cuts out the glass and drinks from the jug).

By the time the coach was going home we were all pretty drunk and it started with Dave blowing up the plastic bag on his head (that the nougat had come in) – it worried the rep but we assured her it was in case he was sick.

The rep was not too smart as she then let Andy tell jokes over the mike.

“Evenin’ folks. My name’s Andy and I’ve got a couple of jokes for yer.” It was obvious even to me that he was drunk, but considering the amount that he had drunk I was surprised that he could talk. Even in my state I realised that Andy was like a loose cannon – obscene jokes were his favourites. He does tell a good joke though.

“There was this man who went to the doctor’s. He said, ‘Doc I’m not feeling too well.’

“And the doctor he goes, ‘Well you better go to hospital for a few tests and come back here next week for the results.’ So he had the tests and went back to the quack.”

“That’s my joke!” Yelled John. “He said that it was crap, what a nerve.”

“So he says to the doc, ‘Do yer know what it is doc?’

“The doc he says, ‘Well I’ve got good news and bad news for yer.’

“He goes, ‘Tell me doc!’

“‘Okay the bad news is that you’ve got ASH syndrome.’

“He goes, ‘What’s that then?’

“And the doctor he goes, ‘It’s a combination of AIDS, Syphilis and Herpes.’

“The man he says, ‘Bloody hell! What’s the good news then?’

“The doctor says, ‘We know what to do. You go into hospital and we feed you on a diet of flat fish, pancakes and thin sliced bread.’

“The man he asks, ‘Will that cure me?’’

“And the doctor goes, ‘No but it’s all we can slide under the door!'”

There was quite a positive reaction from the coach which encouraged him. Even the rep seemed to find it funny.

“I’ve gotta ‘nother one for yer folks. There were these two dogs…”

“There were three dogs!” Yelled Dave.

“There were these two dogs in a vet’s…..”

“There were three dogs in this joke last time I heard it.” John called out.

“Two dogs in….”

Most of the men on the bus yelled, “Three dogs!”

“Who’s telling this joke? You lot or me? If anyone else wants a go they’re welcome.” There was a pause which lacked volunteers.

“There were these two dogs in a vet’s surgery.”

“He’s cocked it up.” John whispered to me.

“And they were both waiting their turns. The Jack Russell said to the Labrador, ‘What are you in for then?’

“‘I keep shagging bitches so they’ve got me in to cut me balls off.’

“‘That’s horrible.’ Exclaimed the Jack Russell.” The rep seemed to agree, she shifted nervously.

“‘What are you here for?’ Asked the Labrador.

“‘I keep biting peoples’ ankles so they’ve brought me in to put me down.’

“‘Terrible, terrible.'”

There was a long pause before Andy went on. “Then this third dog arrived.” Everyone burst out laughing.

“So there were actually these three dogs then?” More laughter.

“All right, all right calm down. This Alsation arrived and the Jack Russell asked it, ‘Whatcha in fer

“‘Well me mistress had taken me out for a walk in the rain and we’d both got wet and muddy. So when we got home she decided to have a bath. She got all her clothes off and leant over the bath to test the water. I couldn’t resist it, the sight was too gorgeous. I jumped up and gave her a good fuckin’ shag over the side of the bath.'” The rep went paler.

“‘Bloody hell. And she’s brought you in to be put down then has she?’ Asked the Labrador.

“‘Naah. Just to have me claws clipped!'”

Andy lost the mike very quickly.

This was followed by a conga down the bus as The Locomotion was put on.

Finally Dave blew up a condom on his head. The picture is the nougat bag – it had a hole in it.

The rep then told us we were a disgrace to the British abroad and there were more insults. This was too much for her and we were thrown off the bus, luckily we were only a hundred yards from the drop off point. The night wasn’t over though and we walked off for a few more beers in the Mirage and Club 69.

Don’t Cry

Playlist

Only Time Will Tell
The Heat of the Moment
Sole Survivor
Here Comes the Feeling
Don’t Cry
The Smile Has Left Your Eyes
True Colours
Open Your Eyes
Go
Voice of America
Wildest Dreams
Daylight

Wind was blowing, time stood still

The first of two appearances by Peter Gabriel as a vocalist. This is from his career after leaving Genesis. From prog rock he moved in a far more political direction and championed world music.

It is hard to choose between three of his solo tracks. Biko is about South African anti-apartheid activist Steve Biko. In the early 70s he launched the Black Consciousness movement and became a prominent figure in the movement to rid South Africa of the evil of apartheid, he preached non-violence at all times. He became such a problem to the government that he was subject to a banning order so that he could not travel – he had not actually committed any crime they could imprison him for.

He broke the banning order and travelled to Cape Town in 1977 to meet another member of the movement. On the way back he was stopped at a roadblock and arrested.. Details of what happened at his interrogation have never been fully revealed but even the Police admitted he had been shackled and interrogated for 22 hours non-stop. At some stage he was seriously assaulted and suffered a severe brain haemorrhage from one of three brain lesions. At first a doctor said that there were no sign of injuries, a patent lie. Other doctors then recommended that he was taken to Pretoria prison hospital. This journey of over 700 miles was done with him naked and shackled in the back of a land rover. He died a few days later.

No one was ever punished for his death. Rest in Power Steve Biko.

(Steve Biko, 1946-1977)

The second song is Jeux Sans Frontiers, Gabriel’s political song about international diplomacy being like children’s games (with backing vocals by Kate Bush – she will be on the list again). The title harks back to a seventies (and eighties) TV show. I first remember seeing it one night in our caravan. Mum, Dad, Michael and I often went away and this night I could not sleep. We had a black and white portable TV with a small aerial. On it was a grainy picture from some European city with adults competing in some silly games.

It is hard to describe how exotic transmission from another country in Europe was. The commentary had an electronic quality that has disappeared from overseas broadcasts. The games involved dressing up in silly costumes trying to climb greasy slopes, or get through water, to complete some locally themed tasks. It was presented by the hosts from the country it was in.

There were actually qualifying heats for this under the name It’s A Knockout. These were less exotic, rather than night time in a Swiss town, it would be grey day in Oldham. For a child these were still exciting as they were competing to go into one of these exotic competitions.

I grew out of the show, it was very much a show for children, even though it was on in the evening. There was an awful comeback with It’s A Royal Knockout in 1987, held at Alton Towers. Teams were led by Prince Edward (whose production company were involved – a company that only had success with royally connected shows), Princess Anne (who looked horrified at the whole thing, even though it was for charity), Prince Andrew and Fergie leading the teams. A low point for the Royal Family at the time, though Andrew has managed to drop to unfathomably worse depths with his involvement with Jeffrey Epstein. Allegedly the Queen was more concerned about the TV show than she is about the Epstein connection – if so it is shows a terrible lack of judgement.

Ultimately my favourite is Gabriel’s song meditating on life at the end of Genesis and how he looked to the future, having a revelation on

Solsbury Hill