I am crap at football. Even to call me average would mean that you have to describe Mike as Messi-like (sadly not really true). I do not have much ability at any sport but I tried to make up for it by thinking about what was going on and trying hard. I once won a swimming club medley by knowing which stroke every width of the pool would be when my competitors stopped to think. The instructor was not happy and told me that I had won because I thought in advance and not that I was good at swimming (true, but not what to say to an eleven year old).
1981. Meridian school games lessons were bleak if the weather was bad. The school fields backed onto the country and bad weather swept in across the fields. If conditions were bad the girls stayed inside and the boys went outside. My only plus point in football lessons was that I did not mind playing in defence (everyone who was any good wanted to play in midfield or up front) and actually stayed there. Too short to play in the middle I was usually right back. This meant that I marked another boy who was left wing for the county team. I did it doggedly, not having any great success but slowing him enough to annoy him. It was obvious that he expected to shine in what, for him, was a silly game. He turned up the heat and had me twisting and turning, finally I went over and felt a burning in my ankle. I assumed it was twisted and our Deputy Head, Mr Dove (an imposing man), who was supervising several activities due to staff absence, told me to run it off. It was a sprain and running it off was not the best idea.
I did not run anywhere and by the time we had showered and ready to go home my ankle bone had vanished under the swelling. My stepmother, Anne, was furious when she saw it after I had walked a mile home. It was the last day before the week’s half term holiday (over which I was laid up) but I believe that Mr Dove had a very interesting discussion with her when school was back. I definitely got treated far more politely than other pupils from that day on.
1989 and I sprained the other ankle. After the pubs closed in Brightlingsea we would go from the Sun pub to the Sun Ho Chinese takeaway around the corner. Satay Beef with chips – lovely after a lot of lager. And a spoon. We would sit and eat in the bus shelter that marked the end of the bus line with the sea lapping not far away. While it was cooking we would play fives with a football that we took – annoying local people at the banging against a wooden wall.
(Bus seller on the left with the clock on the roof).
The night in question we were slightly drunker than usual and decided to play football on the road. No doubt due to the lager I was feeling like I could actually play. I tore down an imaginary right wing and shaped to cross. My foot caught in a pothole and I went down with a sprain on the other ankle. The boys helped me home. On Monday the doctor told me to take two weeks off work, I was forced back after two days – more on that another time.
1991. We had joined the Brightlingsea Rotaract (a junior Rotary Club) and there was a mixed 5 a side football tournament planned with other branches. The female members wanted a practice session so we booked the Royal London Leisure Centre in Colchester. Only the boys turned up, which annoyed us, but we decided to practice three a side. We were playing rush goal keepers, something I hate, if I play in goal I want to stay there. The others could see that so I decided to use it – I dribbled out and shaped to pass. Andy bought the dummy and I ran the length of the hall and scored. A couple of minutes later I tried again, this time as Andy and another guy converged on me I was going to pass – giving my team a two on one advantage, As I passed Andy went through me and the 1981 ankle was sprained again. This was just 21 days before we were going on our holiday and Dave had sprained his ankle too in the same session. We were worried how that would affect us on the holiday. Luckily it didn’t😊
In Yer Face
Five Miles Out 